meOUCH

7: Big Problem

So, really very bad news.  I’ve gained weight.  Worse, I’m now a pound heavier than when I started this.  How is that possible?  Is it genuinely better for me to eat butter and salt and stuff?  What’s the point of trying to do things beter?

So bad.  Feeling completely flat and squashed.  Somehow I have to get past this but I have no idea how.  This is why I didn’t weigh myself every day, the fear of the number going up, but I never expected to get heavier than when I started.

I know I need to do better but I’ve made some big changes by my standards and not slipped up much at all.  This just doesn’t seem fair.

First decision – not going to weigh myself for ages because this has thrown me for a loop.  Second decision – can’t give up, 2 weeks in now, must dig deep and get back on this.  So tempted to go and get a packet of croissants – all this effort seems pointless.

OK.  Need a new plan.  Need to do this.  I managed to find the first switch in my head to start this challenge, but maybe somehow my brain and body don’t realise that the switch is on now.  Another part of the plan is to see if there’s a second switch to get me off my arse and start moving.  Still not used the treadmill.  I think (be honest, I know) I’m allowing myself to get away with this because I’m walking to the station more often so I tell myself I don’t need to use the treadmill that day because I’ve already had some exercise.  NONSENSE!  These are the very days I should use it, because if I can do a couple of miles on top of walking to and from the station, I can certainly do a couple of miles when I haven’t.

Something wrong with my brain.  Is it age?  Is it laziness?  Is it just who I am?  None of the answers are positive so I’ll leave them as rhetorical questions.

Well, I did say at the beginning this was bad so you were fore-warned.  For some reason though, I feel angry.  Not even at myself for clearly failing and not doing enough, just angry.  Toys out the pram angry.

So apologies for being so negative when I have been trying to be positive so far.  This is all so pants!

Going to go to bed now, although my mind is racing so I don’t know if I’ll sleep very well.  Might put my rain sounds on distract me, usually works when I can’t sleep.

meOUCH